Worst vacation ever

June 14, 2015

Every now and then I hear comments likening maternity or paternity leave to ‘vacation.’

You might assume these comments are made exclusively by men, but not so!

Especially during my time working in academia and the corporate sector I heard bitter remarks from women begrudging their coworkers their time off work with newborn children.

“Must be nice,” a young woman said with a roll of her eyes after a colleague’s visit to the office to introduce her newborn son.

“No kidding,” said the young man in the cubicle next to her. “Sure wish I could get six weeks paid vacation.”

(We had awesome maternity coverage at that company – most employers can’t afford to offer a disability policy that covers six weeks paid medical leave.)

The new mother was glowing and happy as she carried her sleeping child from cubicle to cubicle.

At that point, I had yet to have children of my own, but even then I had a sneaking suspicion that beneath her genuine joy and pride there lurked an exhausted new mother still recovering from a major medical incident.

Men take more flak than women if they choose to take time off when a baby is born.

Certainly they don’t have the physical recovery from childbirth or surgery to contend with, or the hormonal fluctuations that make you feel like your heart, brain, and sweat glands are temporarily out of your control.

But a newborn baby turns an entire household on its head when he or she arrives home from the hospital.

An involved father suffers the sleeplessness and anxiety right alongside his wife.

No one begrudges someone taking time off at the death of a close family member.

Certainly the birth of a new family member, although much more joyful an occasion, creates a major disruption to family life until everyone adjusts to life with a whole new human being in the house.

It amazes me that often people are more understanding of time off for children’s graduations and weddings than they are of parents, particularly fathers, taking time off work for a child’s birth.

And so, if you are ever faced with criticism for maternity or paternity leave, if anyone ever remarks on your “vacation” after the birth or adoption of a child, I’ve come up with a few suggested responses:

“I saved up all my vacation time for the past nine months for the chance to be barfed on, spat at, pooped on, screamed at, and totally unappreciated by a tiny tyrant who believes it’s his right to keep me up all night.”

“This might not be the most restful vacation I’ve ever taken, but it certainly is the most painful and grueling!”

“It’s not exactly the Bahamas, but at least it costs as much!”

“It’s been an adventure, but the service at my hotel is terrible. My meals are always cold, the sheets haven’t been changed in weeks, and the kid in the next room won’t stop screaming!”

“When I come back to work, I’ll bring the souvenirs I picked up at the hospital – mesh underpants, breast pads, hemorrhoid cream, and nipple shields!”

This article first appeared in the Lewistown News-Argus and the Sidney (Mont.) Herald on June 20, 2015.